Eyes of a Child

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together,put me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever .” ~ A.A. Milne (author of Winnie the Pooh)

     I, along with the rest of our country, am in shock and disbelief in response to the senseless slaughter that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT.  The internet is filled with articles, reports, and other information as to the young man who committed this senseless act, the upbringing he lived, and the reasons for taking so many lives; including his mother's and his own.  There are a number of tributes to the victims; you can see memorials on this website and this website.  

     Our immediate reaction is to try to help.  A memorial fund for Newtown victims is here.  The United Way has also set up a fund for assistance.  There are also many charities dedicated to helping children in need.  The Pajama Program is established to help children in need obtain warm clothing.  Some of us may feel we need to physically do something.  If that is the case, and you are good with quiltmaking; then Project Linus is a program to provide handmade quilts to children in need.

    It seems finally we may be forced to look at the growing difficulty our nation faces with the subject of mental health, those who suffer from mental health "disorders", and our treatment of these very individuals.  I fear the first thing we will need to do is somehow make sense out of such a senseless act.  In order to gain understanding about mental health and the affliction some of us suffer when our mental health could be characterized as "unstable"; we very well need to comprehend the incomprehensible.

     That is the greatest difficulty we as a nation are having; we are trying to supplant rational thought in what we most agree as an irrational action.  Our first instinct is to place blame upon the various causes of this tragedy.  Were the mother not able to gain access to such firepower, would this many lives not be taken?   Were we to place armed guards at the schools entryway; would they be able to stave off the oncoming attacker (or would they add to the unfortunate count of lives lost)?   Were there warning signs with this young man that his mother and others failed to recognize and act upon?

     I fear that we may try to respond to yet another tragedy by creating a broad-brush approach in hopes of preventing any more senseless killing.  There is an admitted constant at the frequency of these tragedies taking place on a school's grounds and lives lost being that of the youngest of our fellow Americans.  The distinctions lie in the actors who carried out the carnage and their motivations for doing so.  I hope we spend significant time, debate, effort, and understanding into where to place our efforts in prevention to hopefully provide the cure of never having to mourn a similar tragic loss.

     People with more eloquence than me have written and issued their condolences to the victims, their families, and the community struggling to cope with this latest national tragedy.  
There are those who then have the unfortunate task of deciding what will become of the Sandy Hook School once the investigation completes.  I myself ascribe to the "hallowed ground" theory; make it a memorial to what transpired on that very plot of land.  I see no reason why we should not treat those grounds with the same reverence as the atrocities of 9/11 and other unspeakable acts on our soil.  

     I myself am growing weary in seeing children's lives being taken much too soon . As a father of a beautiful daughter, I can only hold her tight to me and thank our Father for the gift of her being here.  Sadly, like Eric Clapton before, many parents are unfortunately picturing 
"Tears in Heaven" .How many more parents need to bury their children?  How many children's eyes need to be darkened for the rest of their lives?  When will we all begin to cherish life and the gift of having it versus relish in death and ending it?  I hope and pray our new year begins to bring us answers to these questions.

Eyes of a Child 

It is said that we can find our youth

in the eyes of a child.

I have gazed through those of my daughter

just to look back for a little while.

To a time of wonderment and joy

a laugh and shared "I love you"

or "thank you" for gift of a toy.

Sadly the innocence of our young

is forever shattered

By darkened eyes and cold hands

pulling the trigger of a gun.

What can you do with eyes filled with fear?

Can you wipe away the sadness

As you try to dry away the tears?

How do you even give a reason why

When asked about their friends

And that they had to die?

All you can do is hold your child tight

kiss them good morning

And make sure they know

you love them each and every night.

Sadly fellow parents are left to mourn

and can only cherish memories.

I fear what I would become

were I not to see my daughter

looking back at me.

I will never truly understand

how far one must fall

to take the lives of children

as they try to end it all.

How can someone feel such darkness

and endure enormous strife

to take hold of a weapon

and end a precious life?

I ask our Father

and all powers from Above

to bring peace to families

forever left unable

too look upon the child's eyes

that they love.

Tragedy in Suicide

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." ~ Phil Donahue

There is recent news of an NFL player murder suicide that left a child orphaned. It is tragic and my heart goes out to the child and all affected. I hesitated to post this again but felt it needed to be told.

Many people see suicide as a coward's way or the person who commits suicide as being weak minded. Many people who think of committing suicide see the converse; they are being strong minded and sacrificial of themselves for the betterment of those that person feels they are hurting (both the one in the mirror and the ones they love).

For those of us who have chosen the profession of helping people through difficult times, I think it is part of that oath and responsibility to be mindful of when a client/potential client is in your office and literally at the end of their rope. These tough economic times have taken an unprecedented toll seen in many of our careers; one that we must be mindful of and watchful as "counselors" at law.

I unfortunately can speak from both frames of reference when it comes to suicide. When I was in my younger years, barely into my teens, my grandfather was going through a severe depression. He had a weekly ritual of dinner with our family and recently was released from treatment before one such dinner. I remember being upstairs getting ready for school the next day between Flyers periods, coming downstairs and asking where my grandfather was. The shock and horror that were on my parents' faces are as vivid to me today as they were that very moment. Soon we discovered that my grandfather had shot himself and left very detailed notes, instructions, paperwork, and the like. He had gotten a hold of a handgun my father had and used it upon himself. Most likely, my grandfather thought he was being sacrificial and saving his family the burden of having to care for him or watch him wither away in depression. More likely, he was too far gone in his own self-possessed thoughts of his dismay that the consideration of others was lost in the waves of depression he ultimately succumbed to. I was fourteen years old. I did not know any of this until after it happened. I did realize that I was the last to talk to him because before I went upstairs to jump in the shower, I saw him in his car out front of our house. "I'm going to a friend's and will be back soon." Those were his last words to me.

When someone is facing what they see as insurmountable odds, odds they can not bear alone and wish not to place upon those they care for; these fellow men and women are who need our help most. Suicide is truly a permanent solution to a temporary problem; because those who are successful in committing it are permanently taken away from us and those loved ones left behind are permanently scarred as a result.

I unfortunately did not learn the full measure of this lesson until later in life. When graduating high school, I had a chance to attend the United States Military Academy at West Point. I tried to be successful both in athletics (as much as a 5'5 on a good day body can allow) and academics; to be able to become a viable candidate for the academy. At the time, our family (like many before, during, and presently) dealt with alcoholism on the part of my father. At 18 I thought it may fall upon me to care for my brother and mother; the most productive way I saw to do so was to go to the academy, earn an income for my family while I studied, and then come out as an officer to continue to do so.

Ever hear the phrase "the best laid plans..."? Well, months before my report date; I was injured in a car accident. This was a devastating accident as another person lost their life and I myself went through a windshield. The Army was good enough to allow me to attend the Preparatory Program for a year to hopefully give my body and mind that time to heal. My body was badly damaged; damaged to the point that the Army sent me to Walter Reed Medical Center and determined that I had post traumatic stress disorder and slipped disks in my spine. I was found to be medically disqualified for active duty. Just over two months of getting my hair cut off and a uniform put on; I was sent back home. Funny how that hair still has yet to find its way back to the top of my head....

But I digress. 18 years old. Sent home from the Army. Friends and classmates enjoying their first years in college and my being sent home to try to find part time jobs while seeing more doctors than there are parts of the body. To say I myself became depressed is an understatement. To say that a daily hearing that I was a "failure" from the full borne drunkard my father had become would be an equal understatement.

And I did feel a failure; to myself, my family, and those who cared for me. I took the keys to my car and had every intention of driving it through a brick wall. Somehow I stopped myself from doing so. But, as tears were filled in my eyes and mind in a million directions; I hit something with the car on the way home. Luckily, by the grace of God, no one was hurt. That very occurrence became the proverbial final straw as I went home to find the biggest bottle of aspirin I could take. And take it all I did.

I don't remember leaving a note, placing calls saying goodbye or anything of the sort. I do remember being at my wit's end and overwhelmingly distraught; fearful of my father seeing what I did to the car and why I had done so. What followed is the most embarrassing circumstance a person has to face. My parents took me to the hospital. I was searched, stripped, checked inside and out (upside and down) to make sure I was no longer a danger. Afterwards, they sent me home with my parents.

Luckily I was only 18 and had parents to be sent home with. Take that level of sadness and responsibility felt and multiply it by thousands; because an adult with children, a career, success and the like only has that much more to bear when they are depressed and feel they can't go on. Like Biggie said, "Mo Money, MoProblems" .

At the time, I did not envision the amazing gift that would be our daughter. I only envisioned the sadness that now, looking back, was truly temporary. What stands out is that when in the throes of being overwhelmed; you lose sight of how temporary your struggle can be.

Why am I sharing this? Because I have seen depression from all sides. From the mirror, loved ones, and from across the table while trying to counsel people facing difficult times. Both as someone who has taken an oath to assist others and as a father; the hand of God has guided me when I needed Him most. Every day I thank the Lord for doing so. The only way I can repay the gift of continued life is to share what I have gone through to hopefully help others understand that suicide itself is neither weak nor glorious.

And to those of you who have loved ones threatening to kill themselves, get them help. NOW. There are many a support group and caring professionals who can truly help one see how temporary their problem is and how permanent the hurt they will inflict if they do carry out what they threaten.

If you have had thoughts yourself to do so, reach for help now. Be it a doctor, priest, rabbi, family member or any trusted confidante. Get. Help. Now. Because I can assure you that what you think of doing will not create the ease you expect for those you love. They will not be better without you in their lives; their lives will just have this empty space in your absence whilst they heal from your permanent departure.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.