“The Laughing Heart” by Charles Bukowski

your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.

~ by Charles Bukowski

47

“If you are pining for youth I think it produces a stereotypical old man because you only live in memory, you live in a place that doesn’t exist. Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.” ~ David Bowie.

47.   That's how old I'll be on March 1st.  At least I have a leap day to cling to 46 (or 23, 37, 52...however old my wise 11 year old daughter tells me I am at one time or another).  It seems that this past year put a lot more stress on the tires in its road; our world seems extremely difficult to steer through in the day to day.  I hope we as human beings find ways to stop fostering antagonistic difference and distance and begin fostering empathetic understanding and community.

   So here are 47 random things through the years that, for their own independent reason, reflect the lessons along my way.

1. “If you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”  ~ Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee

2. Desiderata:  https://www.desiderata.com/desiderata.html

3. Watch Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator

4. Don't Give Up, Don't Ever Give Up

5. It's OK to not be OK.

6. My daughter's favorite , "Fight Song" ~ Rachel Platten

7. The charity and cause I hold most dear, AFSP Philly

8. Don't Quit

9. Sometimes you have to be Joyful

10. “A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live.”
~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

11. "A man is not called wise because he talks and talks again; but if he is peaceful, loving and fearless then he is in truth called wise." ~ Buddha

12. “We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.” ~ Confucius

13. From Philly, we learn to " Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight "

14. Baby Yoda

15. “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

16. 525,600 minutes. How do you measure a year?

17. “Sometimes our mind is like the equivalent of a funhouse mirror, distorting and contorting and blurring our lives and our potential.” ~ Gary John Bishop, Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life

18. “There are two roads which human beings can follow, one of wisdom and the other of ignorance. The path of the masses is generally the path of ignorance which leads them into negative situations, thoughts and deeds. These in turn lead to ill health and sorrow in life. The other road is based on wisdom and it leads to health, true happiness and enlightenment.” ~  Muata Ashby, EGYPTIAN BOOK OF THE DEAD The Book of Coming Forth By Day

19. "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." ~ Dalai Lama

20. Listen to Mr. Rhythm

21. We all could use some Army training, Sir.

22. I don't want your civil war.

23. Lincoln. Gettysburg.

24. "There isn't shame in having shadows - we all have them to varying degrees. it's simply a part of being human.” ~ Timothy Roderick

25. I didn't know I was broken until I wanted to change.

26. In the 70s, Chicago created a dialogue that could take place in 2020.

27. Why can't we be friends?

28. Proverbs 10:17 "He who listens to teaching is on the path of life, but he who will not listen to strong words goes the wrong way."

29. “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ~ Oscar Wilde

30.  I've seen my share of broken halos

31. I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger. Ooh La La

32. Yoda

33. "Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." ~ Fred Rogers

34. "Laughter is no enemy to learning." ~ Walt Disney

35. The dream of MLK should never cease. 

36. Nor should the one of JFK

37. There is never a wish, better than this, when you only got 100 years to live.

38. My amazing partner taught me to always look on the bright side of life

39. My amazing mother has always been the wind beneath my wings

40.  Even though he has long crossed the river, I am proud to be my father's son

41. My daughter is the best part of me

42. “Life’s like a movie. Write your own ending.” ~ Kermit the Frog

43. Hallelujah

44. You have to believe in magic

45. "You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." ~ Robin Williams

46. "Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself." ~ Rumi 

47.  (My favorite song) The World Ain't Slowin' Down

Thank you for taking the ride ~ Dave

Bend Not Break

     There is a song that has been released by an artist named Alex Boye , “Bend Not Break”.  https://youtu.be/0o1T_y81_DU

      This week is national suicide prevention week. The song addresses that moment; that point of either turning around or no turning back.

      I’ve been there. I know it intricately. The pace of breath. The stillness.  The meld of calm with rush of overwhelming emotion.  Like your mind is plugging the dam of the waves rushing through your veins. Something has to give.

     I know the surviving. The last to speak to my grandfather before he completed suicide.  I vividly remember the look on my parents’ faces when they found out he was gone; shocked stillness.

     Part of you never comes back from that moment.  Phil Donahue is quoted as saying suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  Because those who survive are permanently changed with the mark of forced memory, tattooed with the reality of not saying “goodbye”, and scab forming whilst trying to reason beyond the self blame of not preventing coupling with the anger of the loved one lost not reaching out.

     This week I spoke at one meeting because advocacy for suicide awareness is my “thing”, my calling so to speak. It is not by my hand that I am here writing this; were  my hand alone the deciding factor whether I lived or died, I would be a statistic.

      I would be another memory to someone I love, who perhaps loved me. I would not get to see the wonder of my daughter growing.

      There is another scar, another permanent change left when touched by suicide.  It is when you survive and do not complete.  As I said, part of you is left behind in that moment. The who you were in the then and there must  adapt to what will become of who is left standing in the here and now.

      That is the hard part; the continued walking away from that point and time where you nearly broke.  You’ve already been there, you know the path and the way. It is akin to route memory of paths through woods you spent years traversing through your childhood. You have to develop the fortitude to never go there. Again.

     Because the loss of you will be a permanent change on those left behind with memory. You, then and there, believe the pain will end.  Unfortunately, a completely different and lasting pain will only begin.

     I was reminded of choices by someone who is now an angel with the heavenly host. In that moment, you can choose to live. There should be no other choice if you value those who are around you and the precious gift; choose life.

       Whatever we face and however stretched we feel, choose life. It surely bends us; in ways we could not imagine that struggles are placed. This is why I speak and share my story. My bending and my moments I had to turn around. When I broke, but was saved. To hopefully prevent another feeling the permanent scar left by life taking.

      If you, or someone you know is truly bending and about to break. Reach out.

Call your mom. Call your brother. Call your sister.  Call your pastor, rabbi, ....

And if you do not know who to call...there will always be a voice.  800-273-8255.

Click here : https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Reach out. Speak up. And above all else.

CHOOSE LIFE

Unspoken

“Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”  ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

     Again. Again we read our social media, see the news, or hear/take part in conversation about the horror of school shooting and a public figure taking their own life.  Again; the ugliness of our society is front and center for the world to see.

     It gets worse.  Those whose job it is to stop the violence as it happens stood still outside letting it continue. Those whose job it is to look into warning signs and tip line calls ignored those very signals.   

     I was reminded of an old adage that has seen its worthiness pass; "we don't talk about those things."  There has been a groundswell of what used to be kept behind the scenes and in the dark being brought into the open and visible in the light.

     Women who are assaulted, accosted, dehumanized and then victimized over again to prevent the telling of the dirty deeds now have a microphone, a stage, and hopefully a willing audience to listen to the consequences of when you cut the value of a person down and try to eliminate them from the human equation.

      People are speaking up and we as humanity are hopefully listening.

      It has long since passed that the need for mental health awareness  to become as much a crusade as combating cancer or other disease that strikes at the humanity in anyone stricken with it.  To suffer mentally is such a silent disease because it is not visible; you don't see the pained walking, shaved head, or other evident signs that someone is SUFFERING.  More often than not, you see them mask their pain behind a smile.  

     We don't talk about mental health and suicide because many of us can not fathom wanting to take another life; let alone your own.  Suicide is not simply wanting to die; it is wanting to end the pain and strife one feels they can no longer endure for even a split second.  The notion that one has such suffering they need to see it in other's eyes as they end that person's life is surely not comfortable to try to understand; let alone talk about.

      But we need to.  Our future depends on it and we are losing it with every casket we needlessly place into the ground.  

       I understand darkness. I have tried to end my time here. More than once. That cold and calm despair sometimes is easily inviting enough that you either come close to dancing with it or spend too much time enveloped in it.

      I did not speak.  I had friends and loved ones who would listen, but I did not speak.  I truly do not know the greater tragedy; not reaching out for a helping hand or the turning away of a hand that is reaching out for help.  That turning away also is something I have had to endure.  I don't wish the feeling of being hurt and in crisis, hand outstretched, and slapped away, upon anyone.

       We need to listen.  We need to open our ears to the signs of calls saying something does not seem right about this person. And we need to speak up when things do not seem right to hopefully find the help and assistance those in crisis need. 

       This world has become difficult enough. It is ironic that with every means of information provision and gathering; we all join in a shouted chorus with no one quieting enough to hear the other speak.  It's the right to free speech on a case of red bull chased with the strongest mochafrappacino with ten turbo shots.  We can tweet, we can post, we can take silly pictures and put a sentence on it to share with the world wide wherever.  But do we stop to process the consequence of that action?  Do we stop to hear when someone is saying

I NEED HELP.

       Or are we too busy creating the next post? 

      

Catharsis

“Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” ~ Gautama Buddha

     Behind the personas, roles, ideology and self-identity we all express lies the individuality we all have in suffering from an incurable disease; being human.  Today I spent a few hours meeting and honing the ability to advocate for suicide awareness and prevention.   To say the emotive feeling of reliving the experiences in my journey, coupled with listening to those who attended with me, was cathartic is surely an understatement.  It is an emotive roller coaster to go through the loss of loved ones and attempts upon my own life.  I am still here, and my story is not over yet.

     The image is of ink on my right arm.  Those who understand, will easily recognize.  It is my constant reminder to me of the journey so far and the journey ahead as a father and fellow human being.  

     We live in a world where candidates for our highest office are more worried about male "giftedness" than true issues we face.  Where our leaders try to convey political messages through just a hashtag.  I am left with a real question; is the technology and social media a reflection of the advancement or dumbing down of our society?

     To be able to express our innermost selves and the intimate individual we are takes both self confidence and inner strength.  I am me. You are you. And that is perfectly fine.  It is when either you or I feel like there is no other choice but to remove ourselves from our world and those who care for us that a crisis is evident. 

     Having lived through trying to end my life has left me touched with being fully cognizant of how dark the human mind can become and how deep the ache in the human heart can delve.  There is something to be said about being touched;  you never really lose the mark even when its image is not visible to the outside world. 

      Instead of dewlling in darkness, which can easily be a familiar and falsely comfortable place, I am trying to touch others positively by expressing that there is more to look forward to than back upon. Mental health is a growing epidemic that reaches every man, woman and child.  We need to amplify our concern, erase the stigma of the word "suicide", and become more aware of those around us.  Before those we enjoy seeing sadly become a memory.   It is my deepest goal to create a world where my child does not have to feel and experience what I have; and she has even more compassion and understanding than I could ever hope to feel. 

       I hope you have the strength to recognize the crisis if you face it.  I hope even more that you know where to reach out to should this take place.  Even more, I hope we all hold out a hand when we see another in crisis.  Save this website; CrisisChat.org . Save this phone number; 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Thank you for taking the time to read this short note.

43

"Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.”  ~ Alan W. Watts

     March 1, 1973.   The day God said "Screw it, let earth deal with him."  Or in other words, my boithday!!!

     I could wax poetic about life lessons and things learned and the wisdom I wish to share to my daughter and the rest of humanity.  But alas, my daughter has grown to become smarter than me and humanity is too busy tweeting to notice.  Instead, I think I will list 43 quotes, statements, sayings, or the like that I have come across in my journey so far.  Maybe some will make you laugh, maybe bring a tear; hopefully all will bring a memory or help create one to carry in your journey.

1. "You...are....so....beautiful.  To me."  Supposedly what was on the radio after my parents completed the adoption process and were bringing me to my new home.

2. "I love you Daddy, but I still am not kissing you.  Kissing boys is yucko."

3. "Goodbye."  (What I never got to say to my dad before he crossed the river to Home).

4. "Do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby. You're gonnna dieeeeeeeeee!!!"

5. One word. Bawitdaba.

6. "Mr. Gorbachev. Tear down this wall."

7. "Why So Serious?" and "Time to make the chimichangas."

8. All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. ~ Walt Disney

9.  "Son. Are you awake? Can you hear me?"   These are the first words I heard after nearly dying in an automobile accident at 18.  A police officer was trying to wake me after they got me out of the passenger side and my head had struck a windshield.

10. "I love you."  What we say in every conversation between my mother and me and I try to exchange between my daughter and me.

11. "Bartender please. Fill my  glass for me." With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free, after three days in the ground.

12. "Oh just smoke a joint it will calm you."  I believe this is what I told our criminal law professor in law school because she said she was nervous before administering the final exam. She blushed. GUILTY!

13. "The Philadelphia Phillies are 2008 World Champions of Baseball." The late great Harry Kalas

14. "Daddy I have a boyfriend."  (She is SEVEN. Insert heart attack and palpitations here)

15. "I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways." (Still very relevant nearly thirty years on).

16. "My name is David Huber and I am a survivor of suicide."  How I introduce myself when giving presentations in a group, lecture, assembly, or meeting on behalf of AFSP.

17."Goodbye. Farewell & Amen." M*A*S*H

18.  "I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior."  Being Christian is not wrong.  Having Faith is neither bigoted nor prejudiced.  What we do with our faith and how we act; therein lies the rub.

19. Tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

20.  How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies. Perhaps we don't fulfill each others fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives, With our respective similarities It's either sadness or euphoria. My favorite Billy Joel

21. "We are Brothers".  Those who know, will smile.

22. 9-11.  Never Forget.

23. "Don't give up...Don't ever give up."  Jimmy V

24. "How do you measure a year in the life?" 

Measure in love.

25. "I am afraid to tell you medically you can not perform the responsibilities of an active duty member of the Army.  You will be receiving a medical discharge."  What I was told after a battery of tests at Walter Reed whilst trying to make it through West Point.

26. "Smile." When there are clouds in the sky

27.  Occupy everything.  Why did we need the show?  Can we tell what the opportunistic anarchists and money backers have coming next for us? Which leads to...Donald Trump. For President.

28. "A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live." ~ Lao Tzu . Tao Te Ching. Read it. And Buddha. And Confucius. And Rumi...

29. "We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning."

30.  The World Ain't Slowing Down. Still my favorite song.

31.

32. May the Force be with you.

33. Whiz. Witout.

34. You are about to witness the strength of street knowledge.

35.  Let it go. So my daughter has sung. 876 times. Make that 877.

36. Black Lives Matter.  Have any other three words together caused any more division in our history?

37. Dino and Pops

38. Parrothead. Love and Luck

39. Back in angle parking.  Google it.

40. Fight the Power.

41. "The Constitution provides liberty to all within its reach..." Obergefell v Hodges

42. "May the sun bring you new energy by day, may the moon softly restore you by night, may the rain wash away your worries, may the breeze blow new strength into your being, may you walk gently thorugh the world and know it's beauty all the days of your life.”  ~ Apache Blessing

43. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Loss of Humanity

“Fear not death for the sooner we die, the longer we shall be immortal.” ~  Benjamin Franklin

     I have seen a very sad week in my hometown.  A young father, buying a gift for his son as a birthday congratulations for good grades, was laid to rest.  This young man happened to be a police officer and happened to save lives as he drew fire away from store customers before he was gunned down by the robbers.  A life lost, children left fatherless, and many people from varying walks of life left shaking their heads.

     If that is not enough, we have ignoramus young adults chanting a racist song that sounds straight outta 1863.  In 2015.  In college.  Caught on you tube.

     That's the odd thing about today's world; as easily as I write this to be read by anyone, everyone, or no one, any one can take a video or picture of me. In any setting; even those I presume to be private. This is the day and age of information overload and because of that we need to be mindful of what we inform everyone about.  Basically, do not say or do anything you do not want in black and white or color spread across the world.

     But how far is that notion from do unto others as you would have others do unto you? That teaching is basically contained in most every religion and belief followed on this earth. Yes, individual rights matter.  But not at the expense of the rights of those around you.  Every person has equal measure and deserves equal respect based on their humanity; regardless of skin color or who they sleep with at night. Somewhere our society has lost the way in understanding the balance of those foundations.

    I am scared for the world my child is growing into. We seem to have a growing undercurrent of distrust bordering on hate in varying directions. There are people literally training and wanting nothing more than to cut off your head because of where you are from.  This is humanity in 2015.  This is the world we have allowed to form.

     Until we individually become more considerate of those around us; we collectively can not bring about the understanding and growth we purport to desire. I try to have my daughter raised without prejudice and anger; but its presence all around can make doing so a Herculean endeavor.  

     For our children.  For ourselves.  Stop wearing blinders and think what is happening does not matter.  Do you want to wait to see a child you care for lose a parent senselessly? Do you even know what footprints you wish to leave after taking your final steps on earth?